So Grateful...

Saturday, November 21, 2009
Dear Max,
I had to sit and write to you this morning, as my heart is filled with so many emotions this week. It's hard to think back on this week last year. It was by far the most difficult emotional time of our married lives. As I'm sure I've told you before, your daddy and I went and met a different little boy on Tuesday, November 18, 2008. As it comes to this time of year again, I was surprised at how emotional I have been thinking back on these torturous days. Getting the news that we were to be parents, and then three day's later, on Friday, November 21st, getting the call that it was not going to happen. I have personally never felt so hurt. I could not understand why. Did our Heavenly Father not intend for your daddy and I to be parents? Why, why would anyone do this to us? If Heavenly Father even liked us a little bit, how could he let this hurt and pain happen? Max, this morning as I went to get you after your nap, I pulled you up out of your crib and sat down in the rocking chair in your room, and just held you so hard and cried and cried. I could not believe that a year ago today, at nearly this exact time, I had woke up early in the morning, so I could be the first one to all the stores to return all the items we had purchased for this new little boy. I didn't want an audience, I just wanted to do it on my own. I remember sitting in the parking lot of babies r' us waiting for it to open and sobbing my heart out. I didn't even know what to do with the hurt I was feeling, I was so angry! Angry at this dear sweet girl, angry at myself for falling in love with a baby, angry at Grammie and Grampie because I wanted so desperately to provide them with a grandchild, angry at myself, angry with my Father in Heaven. I was mad! I left the parking lot that day and drove over to your Aunt Andrea's. I sat on her bed that morning and cried some more. She knew I needed to go home, but I just couldn't bare looking at daddy, grammie and grampie - everyone was so sad and I was just mad. As I held you recounting this day last year, I was overwhelmed by you and our Father in Heavens gift to our family. I would have never thought that exactly a year later I would be preparing for my son's first birthday party. Max, even though I know today should be such a happy day - and here I am crying, I'm grateful for that experience. I'm so grateful that I can think back to this time and remember how grateful I am for you and for a loving family, who chose to love me unconditionally even though I had technically lost my mind. I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who personally knows me and who loves our family, and knew what was in store for us. I'm grateful for his forgiveness and I'm grateful that we have these types of experiences to remind us. I think back to the 2nd day we met you in the hospital and I wanted to be sure that we got hospital pictures of you. So the nurses were so sweet to call the picture lady up to the PICU, they don't ever go to the PICU to take pictures, cause the kids up there are all older, never newborns. I remember her saying "I looked and looked for pictures, cause I just know that I took pictures of a little boy, born on November 18th that was being placed for adoption, but the pictures I found are not of this little boy" I remember thinking...I'm not going to say a word, cause she wouldn't believe me if I told her, she might even think I am crazy. Max, it is overwhelming to think of where we were a year ago and what we are getting ready to do today. We are so blessed to have you here and I'm so looking forward to celebrating your birthday this afternoon with so many of our family and friends. It will be a fun and I'll be telling you all about it in just a few hours. Max, I'm so glad you are here, and I know that you are met to be a part of our family. I know this and I'm so grateful for this. We love you so much!